Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
