i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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