The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
