Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
a search helicopter?!
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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