The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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