I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
