I think i peed on brittanys purse
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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