Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
