I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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