I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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