Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
