I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
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He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
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There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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