i will soon be in a relationship on fb
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?