I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE