Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
