If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
