i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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