Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
