It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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