Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
