I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
