Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
