just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
