DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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