Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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