ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize