Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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