I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I can't turn off my feet"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
