I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
