sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
