I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
