If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
