I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
