No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He felt like a one man threesome
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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