I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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