And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
