I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
