Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
