HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
