I'm drive I can fine osifer
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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