It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
