i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
