My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
third nipple confirmed
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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