we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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