His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
