I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
