Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
