my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
