I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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