My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
