Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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