Small penises have feelings too.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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