how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
