Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
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Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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