Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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