you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
