I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
