I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
