There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
