Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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