Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I want her autograph on my taint
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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