Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just forgot I was standing up.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
