I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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